Telly Vision Review - Epsiode 5

By Amanda Jones

February 4, 2003

We’re hooked. There is’t any point in pretending anymore. We talk about it over watercoolers, we phone our sisters in other time zones begging for spoilers, we make a point of being home at 9:00 on Monday nights. We should be ashamed. We should be shot. Hell, we feel like we have been. Or, at least, your writer does, and she’s so glad you’ve tuned in again to join her for our (mercifully) next-to-last recap of Joe Millionaire. Without further ado, let’s see who gets done (See, that was a little joke. See?)

Evan’s first date this week is with girl-next-door Melissa. She must live next door to a brothel judging from her behavior this week – but I’m getting ahead of myself, and you want the inbetween parts and not just the whorishness, right? Melissa is told that she’s going on a date with Evan on his private jet. As Sarah and Zora help her pack, we hear voiceover from all the girls. Melissa was getting really scared, Sarah intoned that staying overnight upped the pressure by, like, 300%, and Zora finally noticed that all three of them are dating the same guy. Our trio of rocket scientists giggled like – well -- little girls until Melissa was picked up for her date. Evan tells us that on this round of dates, he’s taking the girls to some of the most exclusive resorts on the French Riviera, and that the lies are getting a little more intense since he’s not just kissing the girls but going on “overnight excursions” with them. Should we cue the porn music now, or wait until someone actually whores out? Whatever; my bet is that we won’t have to wait too long.

Melissa and Evan go to Cannes, and Melissa notes that she has perma-grin, and asks Evan to pinch her (Is this foreplay, yet? Should I cue the maestro?). She voices over that she’s concerned that Evan might think of her more as a little sister than as a porn queen. It could well be the fact that she’s wildly catty and immature, and misuses eighth grade vocab words that gives him this impression, but for now, well give her the benefit of the doubt. She decides that the sunset is the place to see if he thinks of her as a soft girl or a soft-core girl, and off to the beach they go to watch same. Evan kicks the romance up a notch by talking about ingrown toenails and superglue as a first aid tool, and Melissa tells us that she’s even more concerned now that he thinks of her as a little sister.

Melissa decides to give incest a go by wearing a dress during dinner that showed “some” cleavage. She tells us that she hasn’t been wearing provocative things around Evan at all (apparently, it was her doppelganger in the kitchen in last week’s episode), and Evan tells us that he’s having trouble looking her in the eyes because of her lack of – uh… support. At one point in the meal, Evan actually mentions to Melissa that she’s “popping out of [her] top,” and she replies, “yeah, I see that” as she moves to tuck in her boobs -- right there at the damn dinner table! Ladies, ladies, ladies; your writer may not be the best or most qualified teacher of all in the School of Love, but even she knows that boobies should generally stay in their cases during dinner and should be brought out afterwards only. Precautions should be taken to ensure that this is the case, but should tragedy occur, the boobies in question should be re-restrained out of the view of the main course. Would you brush your hair at the dinner table? How are boobies so different? It’s all so elementary, isn’t it?

Melissa tells Evan, while adjusting her boobs again (and I think I’ve said all that needs to be said about that for now), that she likes him because despite the cash and the planes and the horses that he’s an average person, and doesn’t seem like he has a lot on his mind. Ladies, ladies, ladies; we should all be taking some “don’t” lessons from Melissa right about now. Don’t call your potential fifty million dollar mealticket a simpleton if you have any hopes of making it into his bed more than once, and for the love of all things holy, if you must do that, please use words he won’t understand! How can she possibly think she won’t be voted out after her boob-a-licious performance tonight. Oh wait. Cue porn music. While, as a matter of fact, Melissa is voicing over that money matters.

Melissa seductively eats desserts after telling us that she needs to get her game on, and rubs her high-heeled foot along Evan’s chair rails in an attempt to be seductive. Melissa, apparently emboldened by wine, starts drunkenly throwing herself at Evan, laying all over him, and … well… stuff. We are embarrassed for her. Your writer is ashamed to be a woman. The mercy comes when the producers show us a closed bedroom door and cut to commercial. Not coincidentally, the pseudo-porn music stops at just that moment as well.

Melissa is questioned by Zora at the table upon her return, and she cannot stop smiling through her lies. Zora’s no dummy, and tells us that she doesn’t want all three of them to be making out with Evan at the same time. Melissa and Sarah in cigarette confessional badmouth Zora’s reluctance to wear her bathing suit on national TV, and it’s tough not to see that while these two women badmouth Zora for her lack of confidence that Melissa suffers similar demons.

Zora meets Evan on Corsica. She tells us that she keeps on finding out more things about him that make her like him, and Evan tells us that he doesn’t know if he’s into Zora because she’s a challenge or if he’s actually really into her. Evan and Zora look good together, in a rural Kansas prom king and queen kind of way, and their conversation about base matters is banter-esque and (please forgive my optimism, dear readers) a pleasure to watch. Zora’s caring for Evan is evident as she notices him scoping out some nearby bulldozers “Check out what they’re building over there???” she asks him, but we at home couldn’t help but notice that we’d ask the same sort of questions while babysitting our best friend’s eleven-year old son (Hi, Ross!). Evan tells us that he wants Zora to trust him (Are you laughing? I am.), and that he really wants to make this date work, but then he flubs by accidentally bringing boobies to the dinner table. “Did you bring that breast… uh, dress with you?” he asks, and tries to cover himself, but Zora’s a quick girl who doesn’t drink nearly as much as the others, and she calls him on his gaff. Choosing to be the better man, she simply makes a joke of it, and ridicules him for a while before letting it go, and the joke seems to set the tone for the evening as they continue giggling like baby birds throughout the meal.

When the waiter arrives to announce dessert by the pool, Evan shows that he has an ounce of charm by asking that they take their dessert at the table and not by the pool, to respect Zora’s modesty and wishes that she not have to go in the pool, and she is apparently swayed by this enough that she ventures poolside in suit and robe. Ladies, ladies, ladies; if you learn just one thing from your writer, let it be the fact that if you are poolside when the object of your flirtations is in the pool, you will wind up in the pool yourself. Zora’s not too bothered, once wet, about being in the pool with Evan, and they finally make out like good single people should, in full view of cameras… oh wait. Well, at least there’s no porn music.

Zora tells Evan that she had a dream that he was a different person than he is. Evan tells us that Zora freaks him out, and that he thinks she’s some sort of psychic. Maybe she’s just not completely vacuous, unlike your other women. Ya think? Back at the chateau, Sarah and Melissa question Zora and Zora keeps mum. The other girls are bothered by this; more Melissa, it would appear, than Sarah.

Sarah tells us on her way to the airport that she grew up in a small town of 340 people (a friend of mine: “and she slept with them all”), and that she always thought that it’d be nice to be able to have all the things she wanted. Evan tells us that he likes Sarah because she’s so cultured. Where’d the culture come from? “I slept my way into it.” Sarah tells us that she’s not “a big seductress,” which leads those of us at home to think that seductress and whore are two completely different things. She’s peeved that the steward has left her dress on the plane, and tells Evan as well that her converter didn’t work and that her shoe broke, by way of apology for how she looks. She voices over that Evan is rough around the edges, but that that could change in time.

Ordering dinner, Sarah is precise in her wine selection and tells Evan that her meal is going to be one of the finest things she has ever eaten in her life. He is stunned that just pastry is a delicacy, and tries to reason out with her why it’s so good, describing similar food with meat rolled inside. “That’s Chef Boy-Ar-Dee,” she pretty much tells him, and then voices over that he’s not “extraneously intellectual, but that you don’t have to think someone is fabulous all the time.” Way to settle, sister.

After dinner, they look at the moon and drink champagne. And then Evan drops Sarah off with a kiss goodnight. Ten minutes later, she appears at his door, telling him “not to take his pants off yet,” and that she wants to look at the moon. They make out under cover of blankets on the balcony, watching the moon for a while, and Evan tells us that a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell when pressed for details about what went on under the blankets. Dude, we all watched – nay, we all heard you and Sarah just last episode slurping each other; what more can you say that would change the way we feel about her?

Back at the chateau, Evan finally cracks under the pressure of being a liar and a womanizer (I wish this would have happened to half the men I’ve dated), and finds some producer to talk to about the fact that he has never lied to get a woman into bed (until now), the fact that his brain is being eaten out (ah ha! So that’s what happened to it!) by the stress. The conversation goes nowhere.

Diamond pendants are our gift this week. There are two. Zora feels fortunate to have made it this far, Melissa just had a feeling that she wasn’t going to be eliminated, and Sarah sat around smugly looking like a tramp who knows that if she puts out enough, she’ll be just fine, elimination-wise.

Evan’s first pick is Sarah. And then Melissa looks tearful as Zora is chosen over her. Melissa is a trooper, or fakes it well enough, and Zora and Sarah are left to chat. Sarah voices over that she and Zora are more alike than she initially realized, and Zora steals our words by telling us that there’s no way Evan could have picked two girls who were more different.

Melissa cracks in voiceover to the camera as we are shown her sorrowful exit. She tells us that Evan is a good guy, and that of course he’s missing out on her; of course. I don’t think so. Well, maybe, but only if he wants boobies for dinner.

Jim's Take

Well, there wasn't too much going on this week that garnered a lot of my attention. But I must mention that the whole "I have to talk to the producer" thing couldn't have been more set up, in my opinion. I've said it from the beginning and I won't waver here. This guy has the bucks. Period. Again, they're hanging in the French Riviera for crying out loud and he is not even remotely touched by it. I'm from St. Louis and he is treating everything in France the way I treat the Gateway Arch. "Been there, done that." I also can't believe how badly Evan has misjudged this Sarah tramp. She has no interest in him other than that of any girl with her Sugar Daddy. She couldn't stop looking at the diamond pendant she "won" last night. You can almost see her thinking, "I wonder how much I could get for THIS on E-Bay." Oh, and by the way, Zora got her necklace last night and other than a first glance, never looked at it again. Even when Sarah and Melissa were fawning over them. This girl's the real deal and here's hoping that she'll stick with it long enough to find out that Evan really isn't the pauper he's going to tell her he is. Welp, that's it for me...until next week, take care and God bless.

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