Joe Millionaire - Episode 7, Part 1: The Women Speak Out

Joe Millionaire - Episode 7, Part 1: The Women Speak Out

by C. Brian Devinney -- 02/18/2003

Originally posted at www.realitynewsonline.com

Before we find out if Evan picked Zora or Sarah, we have to hear from the women. What have they been doing since the show? What do they think of what happened on the show – not to mention their real opinions of Evan. Plus, we can’t look back without remembering Heidi (at right)! And we also learn more about Evan, Sarah, and Zora before it’s time for the big moment.


Sigh.

So here we go. Tonight is the night where we will learn if it's Zora or Sarah and if the one Evan ultimately chooses will reject him because he lied or will still love the big lug anyway.

Of course we have to first hash through all of the supposed surprise twist endings that have been running rampant through the message boards, internet news sites, and my sick twisted demented mind, so in random order…

Evan is really gay.

Evan has a twin brother Ethan that has been in France with them. Ethan likes Zora and Evan likes Sarah so both men walk away with a woman.

Paul is really the millionaire.

Zora is chosen and she really is a millionairess.

Evan is a space alien (that's my personal favorite).

Evan really is an heir to the Marriott fortune and rich beyond his means.

Evan ultimately chooses both women and the first woman to show up and accept him for who he is gets his heart.

Evan picks a woman, she shows up and accepts him, and then he is told to choose between her and a million dollars.

Sarah and Evan hook up and start their own bondage porn business.

Oh you wacky kids. You have such overactive imaginations.

So I'm going to warn everyone right now that the first hour of Joe Millionaire is not as bad as a Golden Girls recap episode where Sophia decides to move to California to live with Phil because Big Sally moved out when her grandson graduated from dog grooming school. Or something like that. This is more like the recap episodes of The Jeffersons when George and Louise are tied up in the kitchen while the burglar goes through their apartment and robs them blind and they reminisce about the good old days over a cup of International Coffee. If they could actually have drunk a cup considering they fact they were tied up.

Anyway. The first hour is all recap and post-show reactions from the women who got the boot. But of course we have to get America's pick as to who they think it's going to be in the end. Sarah. Zora. Zora. Sarah. Sarah. Zora. Zora. Sarah. Zora. Both.

First and foremost let me just take a little moment to give Fox a piece of my mind. This is how they describe the final two women – "Humble Zora" and "Seductive Sarah." You've taken these women and turned them into Garbage Pail Kids. I mean really now, Fox, couldn't you have come up with something better than that for both of them? Especially Zora. She's so sweet and kind and loving and not the whore that Sarah has been known to be. Okay so maybe Sarah isn't a whore, but at least Zora hasn't done bondage porn.

So we get all of the requisite teasers that he has to pick one of them and he has a secret to tell and then the secret shock that all of America will be talking about. At this point, Evan says that he "can't even look at that," which makes me wonder if they did pull out one of Sarah's videos and say, "Hey look at what you just passed up! Care to change your mind?"

Hi, Paul. I'm going to miss you when this is all over. I still think they should pay you extra for being the real host of the show. But there's no need for you to apologize to the people who got their panties in a big wad over the fact that last week wasn't the real finale to the show. I mean do these people not check TV Guide to see that there was one extra week of the show left? Could they not figure this one out on their own that Fox was going to drag this show out as long as they could to make an extra buck off it? I mean really now. Everyone who said they were boycotting are watching you sip your cognac because they have to see what happens.

The first hour is all about the women of the show since the show tended to focus around Evan; Fox feels we need to learn about the women and what they are all about, so let's start off with Dana. Sadly, I'm not arbitrarily choosing to start with Dana, Fox has chosen her for me. Nothing against you at all Dana, I would just like to start with Heidi so I can rip her a new one because I think she's nothing more than a… well, it's something I can't call her on here because it wouldn't be right. But if you look carefully in this recap, you'll find another place to click to find out my uncensored thoughts (HINT: CHECK MY BIO!).

So there is Dana and she talks about her initial misgivings when she learned that Evan had inherited $50 million. Part of her was screaming that it was too good to be true while the other part of her was screaming that the other women were buying into the fantasy so why shouldn't she? In fact, she was really into Evan because of his height since she was the tallest woman on the program. At that point, we get a little clip of Dana jumping up and down celebrating the fact that Evan is a giant of a man.

Then we get the childhood pictures of Dana and all I can think is, "Oh dear God please don't let me see one of Heidi because I cannot be held responsible for what I say." Dana, we learn, was voted homecoming queen. All I gotta say is the hair back then looks much better than the hair right now. Although I'm wondering what brand of hair coloring she uses to achieve that shade of blonde.

Back to the real Dana now and less of me bitching about her hair. Dana was upset that she didn't get to stay much longer than she did and that she didn't get the chance to allow Evan the opportunity to learn more about her.

And now we get Mary. Mary if you remember looks liked… oh how do I put this… she looked like a low class skank trying to go high class. She's the one who went into the ballroom that first episode in her evening gown and sunglasses. She says that she learned from this experience that you can't take yourself or reality TV too seriously. Honey, if you were taking yourself seriously with that outfit in the ballroom then I am truly, truly horrified. She says she was having a "rock star moment" and that if Evan had kept her around longer he would have gotten to know her sense of humor. Like that outfit huh? Funny. I was rolling over that one, Mary. Oh yeah. Big sense of humor there.

Mary says that one thing Evan didn't get to know about her was that she was a hula hooping champion. This of course is followed up with the obligatory shots of her doing her thang with the hoop and I'm wondering what kind of hula hooping champion she is – is it for time endurance, number of hoops, what? Mary? What? Tell me? I don't care if you can hula hoop like it's nobody's business, Mary, I just want to know how you go about asking that on a date?

Setting: A small intimate French restaurant in Union Square in NYC.

Man: You know what really turns me on.

Woman: What?

Man: A woman who can hula hoop.

Woman: Really now?

Man: Yeah. I love a good hula hooper.

Woman: Would you say you have a fetish for hula hooping.

Man: Only if she was also tied up, gagged, and wearing high heels.

Woman: Well do I have the woman for you.

Overall, she says that even though she lives in New Jersey, she's more of a NYC gal since she works and socializes there. She also says she feels like an oddball geek sometimes because she likes to do wild and zany things. Like wear those sunglasses with dominatrix come-f*ck-me boots and walk past dock workers like a common Eighth Avenue/Hunts Point prostitute? I mean really, Mary. Come on.

Thank God we're done With Mary because we now have Katy. She says she's straightforward and honest. She says that being on a reality TV show does not change her life and she wasn't going to overtly compete for a man who may not be interested in her.

Then we get an incredibly hysterically funny moment – "What's your middle name?" she asks him.

Evan: "Uhhh."

Katy (impersonating Evan): "Uhhh."

Evan: "Ummm"

Katy (ditto): "Ummm."

I swear to you I don't care if I never find out who Evan chose, that was worth it. I do wonder if Evan did hem and haw that much when she asked if it was just the editors but I do agree with her – if you're going to lie then just lie. Get it out there and say something.

Another reason I like Katy – she wants a guy who just will sit and watch the game with her. Screw whether or not you know how to waltz. It's all about being a good old boy with her.

Over to another Katie. This time the one that didn't really give a rat’s ass as to whether or not he had the cash. On the train date, she picked up on the fact that Evan is more of a blue collar guy and that she knew that they wouldn't have that much to talk about let alone a connection of any sort.

We learn that Katie is from Vietnam and a pediatrician. She says that the show really held no epiphanies for her and that it was a fun experience for her. Really, Katie. See, I saw you roll your eyes when someone was whispering in your ear. Man that looked like a lot of fun for you.

And then there's Amanda who thinks that he likes big breasts since all of the women were well endowed in the mammary section of their bodies. In fact her entire section is dedicated to her talking about the mammary assets of the women and how she doesn't think that Evan should have based his entire decision on the cup size of the women who were in the competition.

This of course cues a litany of unnecessary (at least for me) shots of women's breasts and a shot of Evan just gawking. Gawking. There's no other word for what he was doing other than gawking.

See, I like Amanda and would have liked to have seen more of her on the show because she has this great smile and this great sense of humor about her and I think she would have brought some life and character to the show instead of the insane bitches we had in the final five (well, one of whom was cut before the final five).

Then there's Dayana who looks likes she's ready to appear on the cover of the Adult Video News or something in her still shot that has her in this grey jumpsuit with her breasts just ready to fall out all over the place. You can tell she's just bitter about the whole thing because she says she went there to meet her Prince Charming and instead she got Evan.

Okay, Dayana, all of these women have been somewhat upset over the whole thing but have taken it with a grain of salt and laughed it off. You on the other hand. Well you're just being bitchy about it all. Maybe just for that moment but then we get a recap of the entire dress disaster scenario.

There's Dayana bitching about her purple dress which I guess I had to see in person in order to truly discuss properly because it didn't look bad on her. But we get the clip of the stampede of women running to the dresses, led by Ms. Skank Heidi (who would then take all of the dresses for herself and roll around naked in them or urinate on them like a wolf claiming her territory, or something equally heinous). She says she had to choose from ugly and uglier in terms of the dresses and from having seen some of them, I agree with her. Some of them just looked absolutely hideous and I'm like, "Rocket Science Labs… where is your wardrobe budget? Did you blow it all on Evan?"

Dayana says that she likes her clothes to be short and tight and that she's a daddy's girl. Anything she asks him for she gets. Oh, so you're spoiled. Man, maybe you should have been in the final two because you would have crapped your pants for sure. The fact that she refers to herself as a princess made me scream at the TV, "No, the real Princess was on Cannonball Run 2001, and she was a lot better than you, Miss Thang, so before you start calling yourself Princess you had better check yourself before you wreck yourself."

So we're down to the final three women who were eliminated and the word they are all using is "fairy tale" – can I just say that it was pretty damn annoying because there are so many connotations that come with that word and life is not one big fairy tale. Just ask the women and men from the first two editions of The Bachelor. Ask Brian H. from The Bachelorette. Better yet, let me ask him.

First up is Alison, who says it all went wrong. What did? We get some nice music from Bizet's Carmen behind her. Lots of silence from Alison too, which makes me wonder if she really said anything on the show at all. She looks pissed and pensive the entire time.

Alison is in my Times Square and she gets to meet the infamous Naked Cowboy. No he's not truly naked. I've seen the guy on the street and he's pretty much wearing a speedo with the name "Naked Cowboy" on the butt. It's truly a frightening experience because I was crossing the street and he started coming in my direction and I just wanted to run for my dear life.

Evan, Alison says, was not her dream come true and she didn't think that Evan was the right man for her. Most of all was the fact that he couldn't stomach the food that was on his plate to eat and even turned his nose up at goat cheese. "Who doesn't eat goat cheese?" she asks.

Well, Alison, some people who are lactose intolerant probably don't eat cheese.

The entire experience, Alison says, has reinforced her opinion of what love really is. Of course she says this as she buys a two-dollar bag of peanuts from a guy at the corner of Seventh Avenue and 46th Street. (Yes, Alison, I do know where you were when you shot that – let's do drinks… Zanzibar perhaps?.) Pretty much she knew what was going to happen so she just made the best of the bad situation on invitation night where they just smiled at each other and that alone (cue romantic music here) was all the communication they needed because they understood each other in that one singular moment (end music). Ultimately, she says there is no amount of money in the world that would make her want to date Evan.

Wow. Alison, I now truly adore you.

Then there is Mojo and a lot of clips of her raising her eyebrows. She is the only single person in her family. Now apparently Mojo has a thing for hats because not only do we see her in her black hat that kept whacking Evan on the head on their one-on-one date, but we also see her in a cowboy hat and a blue knit hat. I guess that answers the question, "Does anyone still wear a hat?"

Mojo says that her strategy was to let Evan know who she really was and on the train date she did just that. If the other women didn't speak up then that was their fault. She has no power over their mouths; then again, the women could just say that she was chiseling in on the action and that I should set her up with Russ from The Bachelorette so they can chisel each other, but that would just be harsh of me and I would never think of actually saying something like that.

Then we get a recap of the Mojo poem and it was nothing like the Ryan poems. Ryan's poems are at least sweet and make your heart melt. Then again maybe it was just the delivery of it all. I dunno. So Mojo gets eliminated again and we get Evan's opinion that Mojo was just after the money.

Then we get clips of Mojo in her car while we hear a woman on the radio say about her, "If a guy can't buy you a drink then he's not worth talking to…" Mojo says that just because she wants a man that is financially stable it does not make her a gold digger and I have to agree with her. However, if you want a man only for his money and nothing else then it would. Just ask Anna Nicole.

Ultimately, Mojo just wants a man that wants her for her and not for something else like a roll in the hay… or the woods. Now, Mojo was the one who mentioned the woods. I swear, if it had been me, I would have said it as well but I am ever so thankful that it was Mojo and not me because it makes me look like the nice guy. At least for now. We all know what an ass I can be.

And now we get our third world baby bathing mercenary, "I think this is garlic but oops it's really an onion," Melissa. She screams out that she loves surprises and we get to hear her say over and over, "Oh my God." It's about as annoying as hearing everyone say the words "fairy tale." Mainly because I think my IQ decreases by a few points each time I hear it and I think I actually am in a deficit right now.

OH MY GOD! She actually said something other than "Oh my God!" when she said "Holy sh*t!" Sigh. I think I gained a few points with that one.

Melissa is a bartender as well as a customer service rep and that's how she paid for her college tuition. She says she did this as an adventure to test herself to do something different. She says she's making new friends in France and doing amazing things. Well not friends, with Zora that's for sure. We saw how you and Sarah, your evil co-stepsister, just ragged on the delightful Zora. I mean really now. Zora would bitchslap you rather than be your friend.

Melissa says that she had a good idea that Evan wasn't a millionaire because of his attitude and the way that he was carrying himself. She says she had her guard up but since Evan was so charming that she ultimately just gave in because he was such a nice guy. The fact that millions of people would be watching her didn't even hit her – even when she had her hands in Evan's crotch and was staring down there as if she was going to… well you know what she was going to do. I'm not going to go there but you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, Melissa says she was upset that she didn't get to continue and I admit that I thought she was a shoo-in for the final two, but oh well. Melissa says she never cared about the money at all and it was sad to leave since she would never get to see him again. Oh well.

And now it's time for my favorite person on the show – Heidi. Oh yes. We must talk about her since everyone seems to give a rat’s ass about the silly bitch with the bad faux French accent and her mastery of the French language which was practically nil. Yes, let's all remember her talking about the bread baggage.

Stupid whore.

There's Heidi bitching about her stipend (always with the money Heidi?), using a fake French accent to tell Paul he brought the wrong bag, complaining about riding a horse, and just making a nuisance of herself. Melissa M. is so over her she refuses to talk about her. Mojo just says she's all about drama.

I have a better word. Heidi is a diva. And sadly she has nothing to back up that calling.

In her defense, if you can call it that, Heidi says that she's aggressive and assertive and has been that way since birth. She says that "girls" don't like her very much. Well since these were all "women" on the show you can now add them to the list of people that don't like you either, you self-important heinous piece of trailer trash.

Did I say that out loud? Oh trust me, I think I am just getting warmed up.

Then there was the dress disaster. Heidi says that the women looked down at her when she took the two dresses. Well of course they did. There were only as many dresses as there were women and you had more than one, you freak show. We get a clear shot of someone politely asking to try on one of the dresses that Heidi is hoarding and she responds with a loud shrill, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" and you just want to take a set of clippers to her blonde (if that's her real color and not the fake bottle job that I think it is) curls and just shave her until she looks like a human Q-Tip.

Heidi thinks that she wasn't being rude by selecting two gowns and that it wasn't that big of deal. Well of course it wasn't that big of a deal to you, you excuse for a human being. You had two dresses. There were women with none. I mean really now. You say that, "Oh, we're not five," yet that is how YOU were acting. I swear I think your IQ is about five as well.

Then there's the horseback riding. She didn't want to ride the damn horse and she shouldn't have gotten on it. Heidi thinks that the women were just jealous that she was getting some extra attention from Evan, when in reality they were just fed up with you acting like a spoiled little child when you should have been shacked up with Dayana (another spoiled little girl) and comparing notes on what Daddy gave you for Christmas and your birthday that year.

Then there was the whole boyfriend thing and she talks about how she's at least being honest about it when I have to agree with Sarah (in a rare moment) that she wasn't being honest. She went on the show to meet a man and potentially start a relationship with him. Heidi says that if she had been like the other women and gone into the woods with Evan then that would have been the end of her relationship with her boyfriend.

Honey, it's time for a Brian Devinney Reality Check, so sit your skanky nappy haired ass down and take this like the piece of human garbage not fit for consumption, and I hope your boyfriend, who appears to be your intellectual equal since he thinks it was okay for you to go on the show, takes note as well.

Heidi, you are a poor, pitiful excuse for a human being. Personally, I think you use this domineering attitude to mask your insecurities and seem to wonder why women are turned off by your demeanor. I think you're a money grubbing gold digger who is focused only on what you can get out of a given situation and turn it your advantage. It's all one big game for you and I am ever so thankful that we, and your boyfriend, are truly getting the chance to see what a spoiled, self-centered, self-righteous piece of human waste you are. Just remember, honey, it doesn't matter how you're edited to appear on a show – that is how you are always going to be remembered. I don't care if you win a Nobel Peace Prize, you will always be known as Heidi the trailer trash piece of garbage from Joe Millionaire who thought that she was the queen of the roost when she was nothing more than the toilet paper I flush down the toilet, and who rightfully ended up in the Reality TV Hall of Shame.

Sigh. I feel so much better now. How about you?

So now we talk about champagne. Remember how Evan had an affinity for popping corks into the air at and people? We get a litany of his champagne popping, including one where he broke a window while popping a cork off of a balcony.

Total cork pops in the clip montage – fifteen. Three people hit (including Evan). One window broken. One ceiling damaged.

And now we get to learn more about Evan. Ho hum. He says he had a middle income family life in Virginia. His mother is doing a scrapbook of his experience with lots of newspaper clippings. He says he wants to have kids based upon his experience with his own parents.

As a kid, he was always into construction and would make things in the sandbox. He was more concerned with making things perfect than having fun. In school, he had more fun watching the maintenance guys than school. He says he skinny and unpopular and when he picked up a dumbbell he was hooked with weight training.

Modeling was never something Evan wanted to do but he did it. He wanted to get out of it but stuck with it because he could get his big break – but he wasn't fulfilled by it so he went back to construction and we see Evan with a big smile on his face about it. Yeah, he loves the dirt.

Then we get Evan's friends, who say that Evan is just a great guy and that he's really being himself on the show. The hating of goat cheese, the rubbery sausage, the face stuffing. Even his talking with his hands, well, his friends say that's just one hundred percent Evan.

Okay, is anyone bored with this entire segment besides me? I mean, we're just getting a rehash of what we know already. Do we have to see it on TV? Fast forward.

So what about Zora and Sarah? What are they really like?

Sarah says she was born in a small town in Pennsylvania and says as a child she never understood why she had to follow the rules. In fact, she never felt at home at school until she went to college and that was because she could skip class as much as she wanted and not worry about getting caught as she did in high school when she would cut class and get caught all the time. Moral of that story… um… I dunno.

Sarah says that her philosophy in life was that it’s better to regret something she did then something she never did, which is why she agreed to meet the casting director for the show. She likes going into things not knowing what to expect. There are so many bondage jokes I could go into with that line alone that I'm just going to leave it alone and go right to Dana, who says that she thought Sarah was competitive.

Clips of them walking to the woods and trying to lose the camera crew.

Finally they succeed in ditching the crew and Sarah says all they did in the woods was kiss and hold each other and she's just amazed at the fallout over that one. Well could it be the part where he tells you to lie down or something like that? I mean that would be borderline something to wonder about.

And then we get to the bondage/foot fetish stuff. Sarah says that she was shocked that it was such a big thing because she was doing it for college money and in Los Angeles, there's always somebody peddling that on the street.

Sarah, time for your reality check. Life does not revolve around Los Angeles. People in Idaho and Kansas would be shocked by this (and buying your videos). Please. To think that it wouldn't be a big deal is to really underestimate the public.

So now we get Ms. Disney Zora who seems to get along well with the horses and other woodland creatures. She says she's a compassionate person and that she loves to work with children and animals and that she is non-smoker. She hates smoking. Another reason why I adore her so much as compared to Sarah and Melissa M. – the human chimneys.

The mayor of Lambertville, New Jersey, is ready to celebrate Zora Day when she is announced as the winner of Joe Millionaire. Will there be a parade with floats? Can I sit in the back of a convertible with her and wave to the crowds?

Zora says that growing up she learned the value of things from her mother who grew up in poverty. She never left food on her plate. She finds fulfillment in doing elder care and working as a substitute teacher. She calls it her heart work and it just makes you love her more. She says it's all gratifying.

Prior to leaving for France, Zora had no heat in her apartment. She turned on her stove and used that to heat her apartment. In fact she almost started a fire because of it. What can I say? The woman is industrious.

When she returned from France, Zora considered selling one of her necklaces and sending the money to her aunt who is in Yugoslavia. Now this is what impresses me. The women needs heat in her apartment and she is going to sell a necklace to give someone else money. I mean that's one of those giver people things that just amazes me to no end. She says it doesn't make sense to hold on to the necklace if it can help someone else. I swear if this woman doesn't win the show she had better get a million marriage proposals from men. I mean is she for real?


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