Joe Millionaire - Episode 6: Used Like a Cheap Whore

by C. Brian Devinney -- 02/11/2003

Originally posted at www.realitynewsonline.com

So, just who was Brian referring to when he titled this article? Is it poor Zora, who has been dragged along even though she is constantly holding back? Is it Sarah, who as a star of fetish films perhaps most fits the description? Or is it the viewer, who had to sit through an hour of material that had already been shown just to get ready for next week's episode?


What a total ripoff.

This entire episode of Joe Millionaire was nothing more than one of those episodes of The Golden Girls where Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose all sit around the kitchen table and eat cheesecake while recapping some of the more memorable moments. I would mention Sophia in this but since all of these recap episodes tend to revolve around her leaving the house to move in with her son Phil and the women wonder how their lives would ever be the same without her then there really is no need for her to be in the show now is there?

Oh wait, there was that one episode where Blanche was going to sell the house to a Japanese businessman and they spent an entire hour recapping how wonderful the last seven years of their lives have been.

Okay, let me just put this into perspective for you. In the five years that I have lived in NYC, I have had three different apartments and five different roommates. I just can't imagine them all staying there for that length of time. I mean if I ate a third of a cheesecake every time they ate a cheesecake then I would be HUGE. Then again, if I ate a GenSoy Blueberry Cheesecake Protein Bar each time they ate a cheesecake… I would have really bad gas from eating that much protein. (GenSoy bars. Yum.)

Anyway, basically this entire episode of Joe Millionaire is nothing more than a recap of the entire series as Evan has to narrow down the final two women to just one. Will it be the star of randy S&M bondage/foot fetish films and the person my friend Gina said was apt to have a four letter word starting with the letter "C" applied to her persona (aka Sarah) or the sweet, darling, demure, "dear God my breasts are so big in this bikini that I have to wear a t-shirt on top of bikini or else my boobs would be falling out all over the place," and the bearer of many trust issues regarding her men and therefore if she got picked to be Evan's choice would probably never trust men again and turn lesbian (which according to the old joke means she moves in on the second date) because at least women are supposedly more honest than men, Zora?

Whew. That was a lot to say. I could have just said Sarah or Zora but please, there are so many complex layers to these women. At least they know what garlic looks like. I hope. And they aren't mercenaries. Oh and a shout out to the gentleman who emailed me and asked if Melissa M. had sex in the mercenary position. That made my day.

So it all starts off with the long recaps again, which go all the way to the very beginning and we get to see Hall of Shame Heidi again because, dammit, there's only so much of her that we can handle. We get that really cute girl who was cut on the first episode that I liked and I wish I remembered her name.

Hey there's Mojo and the hat! I miss the hat. Just kidding. I forgot that the Evil Stepsisters (Melissa M. and Sarah) called her a slut. Those bitches. Sarah is one to be talking. Slurp. Ah. Slurp. Mmmmm. Slurp. SCANDAL!

Does anyone else want to slap the hell out of Sarah when she does that fake laugh?

Anyway, there's Paul who is the host of the show despite whatever title they gave to that piece of trailer park trash, Alex McClown. Yes. I know her last name is really McLeod, but as we all should know by now when I do these recaps, I call it as I see it and since she has never dressed well as hostess or delivered even one line that didn't sound like she was reading it from some cue cards, I think it's appropriate. Besides, if she doesn't like it she can come after me. I run six miles a day now. I can handle it.

Paul heads to Zora's room and he tells her that she needs to be down in the front room in about ten minutes. The same message is delivered to Sarah. As if we care about her. I think Sarah chose her top, a gold shimmery fabric, because it clings to her chest, but sadly just shows that she's not wearing a bra that can properly support her. Zora is far more demure. Denim shirt and jeans. Cool and casual.

They are sitting at a table on the grounds, looking at each other but not talking to each other. Flipping their hair around. That really annoys me. The hair flipping I mean. And here comes Alex McClown and was is she wearing? It's a pink shirt with a maroon top, a brown leather skirt and these knee high boots. She looks like a cross between a reject from a top tier boarding school and the star of a porn movie where the lead character is from a top tier boarding school. Maybe Sarah helped dress her.

McClown reveals that they are to go on private dates/walks/sessions/whatever with Evan where he will spend some time talking with them and helping to solidify his decision. This time there are no necklaces to give out. This time it's a ring. Big smiles and gawks from Zora and Sarah here. Oh my. Hmm did the foot fetishes out there notice the heels Sarah was wearing?

Alex goes back inside (thank God) and then Sarah just gets up and leaves without saying a word to Zora. That bitch. Geez. What is up with you, Sarah? Queen of the Obvious, Sarah says that it's getting intense now. No, it's just a freaking walk in the park, Sarah.

So, like Blanche and Rose (because, let's face it, who wants to be Dorothy in this episode?), Zora and Sarah curl up to reminisce about the good old days over a cup of International Coffee (Jean Luc!). They start off with The Ball in the first episode where all of the women were formally introduced to Evan. Sarah entered in the nice brown dress as we remember. Evan talks about how much he wanted to throw her to the ground and ravish her right there. Well not really. She just made a good impression. I think he was just trying to rack his brain to see where he remembered her from before.

Zora was next and she was wearing that blue gown that she got at the last second because the black dress didn't fit her. Not a big fan of this dress but it was enough to get her to the next round.

Sarah and Evan dancing and then Zora and Evan dancing. "The Blue Danube" playing in the background. Reminds me of when I had to sing that song called "Variations of Fa La La" and "The Blue Danube" was one of the variations. I still liked "The 1812 Overture" the best, though.

Anyway, back to Blanche and Rose (and if you don't like that we can always call them Chris and Julie from the series finale of Charlie's Angels, when Kelly was in the hospital after a bomb went off and Chris and Julie did a "best of Charlie's Angels" recap for us while we all waited breathlessly to see if Jaclyn Smith's character would live (as we all knew she would) or die a horrible painful death (which they would never let them do because they could always do movies of the week with them). But I digress. Sarah seems to be much more focused on the size of the jewels and how much she can hock them for than Zora. Zora admits to being clueless about things like that and Sarah nods and says, "Oh yeah, I know that very well." Oddly enough, Zora says that she wants things that she can actually use from Evan like pots and pans rather than jewels. Um. Okay.

Sarah is the first to go on her personal time with Evan. Paul comments that Sarah is always late and somewhat oblivious to plans and things. In fact, Sarah gets all dolled up for her time and seems shocked when Paul tells her that she should change since they are just going for a walk and her heels, although perfect for her videos, aren't appropriate for her "date" with Evan. She seems pissed. I don't care. I want you to get picked and then appalled when he tells you that he only makes nineteen grand a year so I can laugh hysterically. Besides, it's the woods, Sarah! You like the woods, remember?

So she changes from her glam outfit into jeans and a sweater. Zora is pretty much in the same thing she was wearing when McClown told her what she was going to be doing that day with Evan. Sarah gives Evan a kiss while Zora is a bit more reserved when she greets him. And Evan still can't make up his mind.

We get to see the tango date again and Evan comments on the shoes that he got for her since Sarah like shoes and strappy things. Hmmm. Evan thinks she loves the shoes and I think she did too because she had to be thinking about what video she could wear them in first. Would it be "Heels on Wheels" or maybe "Pumpin' Iron" or possibly even "Open-Toed, Open Heart." So off they dance and pretty much it was boring, although I think Evan was trying to see down her shirt rather than dance. And they kiss.

Over to Zora now and she's more interested in him than in her and what he's thinking. He says it's been a roller coaster ride with Zora. She doesn't think it's been that as much as it has been awkward between the two of them. Of course, this is the lead-in to the Paris date where they do dinner in a bistro and music by the river. Pretty much this is where I begin to hate Evan because he just sits there and blackmails Zora into trying to open up by telling her what the other women did compared to her and I don't think it was for her. Even when Evan said he knew that it wasn't going to go well I once again screamed at the TV, "Then you should have done something else, you freak!"

More walking this time with Sarah and they conveniently segue into the bike ride date and wine tasting. Pretty much they get really smashed drinking the wine and Sarah drinks him under the table. Sarah brings up the money on this date and Evan does something I've termed the "Trista" - when you need to shut your date up, you kiss them. So he wanted to change the topic and shut her up so he kissed her.

Then they bring up their time in the woods. At this point in the evening I was on the phone with my dear friend Gina who had never seen Joe Millionaire before. During this scene, she was very quiet, giggling on occasion, and finally brought out the big guns - "Slurp? Is she doing what I think she's doing? Oh God, what a slut!"

Zora is walking along with her arms crossed as if she's protecting herself. She says she doesn't want to confuse him or clutter his mind unnecessarily. This is the moment where we get the Disney movie montage of Zora with the animals and it reminds me and Gina of Lily Tomlin in the movie 9 to 5. Yes, I'm sure it looked like Skinny and Sweet, Evan (in regards to Sarah), but there's the picture of the rat and the small skull and crossbones.

Then there's the hottub where Evan shows off his bod and the other woman just pile on in. Now if this was me and I was Zora and my man allowed this to happen, I would have done the same thing. Left. If the date is with me and him, then he should have told them to leave. But no. He had to spend time with the other three women. Still pisses me off.

Back to the walk with Zora and it's their date in Corsica. Again we see the rainbow. Then there's Sarah and their date in Nice. Again Sarah talks about the money side of Evan and not the personal side of him. That whore.

Zora and the breasts and dress. Nothing really new to report here. Evan puts his foot in his mouth. Sarah says that Evan's not her type since he's rough around the edges but she's just there for the money. Evan just stares blankly and orders steak while she gets gnocchi.

Over to Zora in the pool, still with the t-shirt on. Their time in the pool though looked rather romantic although it didn't have the slurp factor that he had with Sarah in the woods. Gina didn't like his yellow swim trunks. I have to agree there.

Sarah, on the other hand, proves she's really slutty when she goes down to Evan's room so they can look at the moon again and make out. And she tells him not to take his pants off yet. And yes, something happened under the blanket and in that bedroom that night.

So we're back to the walk and Sarah just lies her head off. She says she's not nervous because it's a win-win and she had such a nice time. Liar! You want the money! You want it all! You don't want to be first runner up! You and Zora are "friends." Yeah right. You and your evil stepsister said nothing nice about her while she was out on her date and you can barely look at her, let alone talk to her. You are such the liar, Sarah, and I hate you for lying to Evan to make him think better of you. You should be bitchslapped. And hard. By me. Yes, I said me. This would be one of those Cher, "Snap out of it" slaps.

Zora admits to being a little nervous but says that she's walking away from this with more than just jewelry or possibly a man. She's so down to earth you just gotta love her.

Kiss check at the door. Zora - check. Sarah - lips. Twice. And I think I saw tongue.

Dinner that evening. No talking between the two of them. So they get into who they think he will pick. They think that he will choose Sarah because of proximity but they wonder if there's a loophole that lets him out of it and choose neither of them. So while Sarah smokes, Zora takes her tray of food to the kitchen presumably. Hate the smoking, Sarah.

Evan is standing on the steps of his estate and he says he likes Zora because she's sweet and Sarah because she's funny and he knows that someone is going to ultimately get hurt - if not all three of them. Sarah is looking nice while Zora looks a little ragged because she hasn't "cleaned up" yet. Both women think Evan is overwhelmed - and they don't know the whole story just yet. He wonders if they would want to be in a relationship with him since he only makes nineteen grand a year.

While he frets, the women primp.

Sarah's presence is requested in the salon while Zora is requested to appear in the Grand Salon. Is there a difference between the two? Does this have a meaning that one is just the salon while the other is in the GRAND salon? From the teaser for next week it looks like the same room. Evan starts to tell somebody his secret, but of course we won't find out who 'til next week.

Anyway, there is supposedly the huge twist that everyone will be talking about with all of the women returning to give Evan a piece of their mind and the woman Evan chooses to give him their final decision.

Sigh. Two hours next week. This had better damn well be worth it, Fox. Not like that horrid Bachelor 2 finale that dragged on and on and on for pretty much the conclusion we all knew was coming.

My pick - Zora. Don't ask me why and it could change later. But I'm going with Zora, although I would love for it to be Sarah and have her just freak and have the twist be that she goes to a psycho ward for a mental breakdown. But that's just me.


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