Joe Millionaire, Episode 2: Bitchslapped, Shellshocked, and Totally Dissed

by C. Brian Devinney -- 01/14/2003

Originally posted at

Joe Millionaire moves into its second episode, and it’s time for group dates. He takes four women at a time onto dates that are probably not what they expected. Then it’s time for a big cut down to five. But what is all this brouhaha going on with Heidi (shown at right)?

By now we all know the premise of Joe Millionaire – construction worker who made nineteen grand last year is pretending to have inherited fifty million dollars and is out to find the woman of his dreams to see if love wins out over money. Of course, we’ve also heard about him getting a ticket for stiffing a toll booth, his underwear modeling days, new information on him training to become a professional wrestler, how construction workers in California make more than he claims to have made, and even some pesky rumors that he may have worked as a gay male escort (the least plausible and provable of all the accusations as there is no concrete document trail there and therefore most likely not true.) Oh who cares… let’s bring on the drama! Tonight we go from twelve women to just five.

First order of business is to take care of the way that Evan dresses. Paul Hogan, the butler, gets the fine job of watching Evan dress and undress and redress into a variety out outfits to make sure that he looks comfortable, casual, and comes from money. Therefore that red flannel shirt we saw before – it’s gone. Those ripped jeans – outta there. All Evan really cares about though is if his hair is poofing out. Nice to know he has priorities.

The women are being fed breakfast and are told that is the day of the big date and are warned that they should go back and change clothes as they will be outside on their date. The first group date is to the vineyard with Sarah, Dana, Melissa, and Brandy. Evan says that he has a few surprises for these women to see how they react when things aren’t so comfy and cozy as they would expect.

The women are all thinking that they are going to see how to make wine and then go taste some afterwards. But no, Evan has them picking the grapes, putting them into a bucket, and pretty much doing all of the work while he looks on. Melissa M. is looking pretty disgusted by having to take part in this and I want to scream, “Suck it up, gold digger!” at her, but I don’t.

Brandy, Evan says, is a flight attendant and she’s doing her best to make a bad situation somewhat bearable. Then there’s Sarah, who I think Evan insulted (okay for me it would have been an insult) when he compared her to Martha Stewart. Evan, something tells me Sarah doesn’t know how to turn her federal subpoenas into placemats. Oh it turns out he didn’t mean that as a “good thing” after all. As for Melissa M., he was digging the Princess Leia hairdo and she’s spunky. Okay, the Princess Leia thing looked horrid. I know the weather conditions were bad on this date, but can someone say hair conditioner? Melissa M. even admits that she was faking her fun and she completely snowed Evan, who thought she enjoyed it.

With the first batch of grapes done the women all think their job is done and over with. NOT!

There are TEN more rows of grapes to be picked and the women are not happy about that.

However, there is one standout – Dana. She, out of all of them, seems to be doing the best to make the most out of the situation. Even Evan comments that he thought some of the women were intimidated by her. Dana is cracking me up because she is smiling and picking the grapes and feeding them to Evan, and there is Melissa M. looking as if she wants the earth to open and swallow Dana whole. In fact, the women are pissed at Dana because they are cold, wet, and miserable and she’s taking her time and making the most out of it – and getting the attention of Evan.

Date number two is the train ride with Mandy, Amanda, Mojo (Melissa Jo), and Katie. Katie and Amanda are already saying how they are looking for love with Evan and it’s getting a little nauseous. The women are taken to a train station and specifically to a locomotive where they must shovel coal in order to get the train moving.

Evan is already at the train station and he greets the women and they are not happy that they may be getting dirty. In fact, they gave the most unenthusiastic “alright”s I have ever heard. Evan gets them to sling in the coal one at a time while the other women look on to support each other. The women are grinning and bearing it even though they are now sweaty and covered in soot.

Once the train gets going and they all move inside to sit down, Melissa Jo takes the time on this train ride to go on and on about her life and who she is as a person while the other three women are just sitting across from them with their mouths closed and not getting a word in. I think Katie is giving her a look that says, “Do you ever shut up you blonde bitch?” Then Amanda gives her the, “Shut up you stupid fool!” look. The other women all feel really left out of the conversation while Mojo just eats it all up.

Now it’s time for the horseback riding date with Zora, Alison, Dayana, and Heidi. Evan is more interested in Heidi since he thinks she is used to getting what she wants and not working too hard. For these women they have to clean the stables. Of the women, Zora seems to be taking it well while Alison just keeps stepping on the horse doo. Dayana and Heidi look like they are going to hate every minute of it. Dayana is used to being called the princess of her family and this is not her cup of tea. Heck, Dayana even wore spiked heels! Spiked heels? Paul had specifically told them to dress appropriately for an outdoor date. In fact it looks like Dayana and Heidi do nothing while Alison and Zora do it all.

Then Dayana and Heidi have horse problems. Dayana loses her reins and Heidi’s horse isn’t following commands, which means she has to get off of her horse. According to Evan she was crying about it. Alison thinks that it was just a stunt for attention and she isn’t happy about it. Heidi says she was freaked out and the horse could sense her fear. On this date, Dayana is a mute, Heidi is a no-show, Zora is a natural, and Alison is leading the pack (something Evan likes in a woman).

Back at the house, everyone is talking about Heidi on the horse. Alison says if he likes Heidi then he’s not going to like her because they are totally different. At this point, Paul enters and announces that seven people will be going home tomorrow. People thought that the number would be lower than what it was – maybe only four eliminated – and they are all in shock.

Even bigger is the fact that Heidi is in France to possibly marry Evan or at least get to know him better, but she has a boyfriend back in the States. The women are all pissed over this since she already has a man and she’s in France to get another one. They all think that if she makes it into the next round that she will be taking a spot that should go to someone else. [Editor’s Note: Don’t forget, Heidi is also the one who had grabbed a dress in the first episode and then was still trying out other dresses while some women had none – so it appears to be a habit with her.] Our butler, Paul, already thinks that Heidi is a gold digger and all she wants is money. In fact, he hopes that the man she does ultimately land can put up with her.

Over dinner the women are still digging into her. Sarah even thinks that she’s being selfish about it despite the fact that Heidi says she doesn’t know how she will react if she gets a necklace. The women are all concerned that he may like Heidi even though she may have a boyfriend and he is oblivious to the fact. They all think Heidi should tell him the truth about her relationship. Paul thinks they judge her as competition and if they get rid of her at that point they all will stand a better chance of making it to the next round. Heidi doesn’t care what the other women think and even says if she walks out of there with a few more enemies she doesn’t really care.

So now it’s time for me to get on my soapbox and say that the next time anyone does a romance/dating/marriage reality TV show there should be a rule that no one should be in a relationship when they sign up. It’s not fair to us single people to have to compete against people like Heidi who already have boyfriends and then decide that they want to trade up to a better model. I mean really now. You already have one man, why do you need another? Heidi, you should get down on your hands and knees and pray that your man is still with you when this hour of television is over because you are one skanky woman who doesn’t deserve the man you have right now.

Hmm, a commercial for Fox’s new reality special – Man vs. Beast. Damn, Heidi gets two shows in one week?

Morning comes and seven girls are ready to be sent home. Evan runs his list past Paul to get his opinion whether he wanted it or not. Paul himself had chosen three women on his own that he would like to see advance and all three women on his list were on Evan’s list, so he’s rather pleased with himself.

Princess Leia (aka Melissa M) goes around getting ideas of who can make it to the next round.

Brandy, Dana, and Melissa M. are high contenders. I am so hating her hair. She needs to realize that looking like you have cinnamon buns on your head is not an attractive thing.

So the women now gather in the Grand Salon and in comes hostess Alex McLeod with another one of her stilted deliveries. Alex, there’s no teleprompter so you can try to sound a little bit natural here. Not like… oh I don’t know… a boring shrew with a diva temper. A rhesus monkey can do a better job of hosting than you. I mean, really now. Why are you here? Paul, the butler, makes such a better host than you. People may like you better than Paige Davis but I would rather have her perky smile and natural charm than your “I’ve got a pole up my ass” delivery.

Evan enters in his leather coat and I think it’s too long on him. I think he needs something closer to his waist than the bottom of his butt. This time there are five sapphire necklaces to be distributed, but who will they go to… we now turn to Paul.

Zora is first and Heidi looks pissed. Zora, Evan says, is gorgeous with a great personality and she doesn’t complain.

Alison is next and she looks shocked. Heidi looks like I’ve bitchslapped her, she’s so in shock.

Evan says she has the personality that he really likes. When she sits, Heidi is feeling up the necklace and asking herself, “Hmmm if I get one how much could I pawn it for?”

Melissa M. is next and she’s just a grinning. Heidi looks pissed again and as she’s getting the necklace latched, she flashes a wink at someone and it makes me wonder if it was to Heidi as if to say, “I have one and you don’t.”

Heidi is so sure she’s getting a necklace that she’s grinning and nodding and just shuffling around in her seat but Sarah is the next person called out and, ooh, Heidi looks pissed. Sarah is a wildcard for Evan but he’s willing to see where it goes.

Melissa Jo, aka Mojo, is last, which means Heidi gets the shaft – which is kind sad since I know a lot of us were hoping she would make it to the end, think she’s getting the fifty million and then get shafted on national TV. However, we get Miss Diarrhea of the Mouth. To make it even more shocking, Heidi even says, “Whatever,” while Mojo is getting latched, just to show what a bitch she really is.

Paul arrives and says that everyone has to pack their bags. Seven of them are going home and the others with the sapphire necklaces are going to go with Evan to Paris where they will spend four days. Heidi looks shellshocked.

People are surprised that Dana is not staying but Evan says that it’s because their personalities do not mesh well. Heidi, being the sore loser that she is, is curled up on the floor speaking really bad French (and I work for a French bank so I know bad French when I hear it – “bread baggage,” Heidi?) and pretty much just pouting. She has no idea why she’s not in the next round and that his choice in women is just random. Paul rips into her, though in a casual way, by saying things like, "Too bad Heidi can't stay in France a bit longer. Perhaps her French could improve."

Here’s the truth, you money grubbing, bottle blonde bitch – you were/are a gold digger plain and simple. Evan saw through you. Paul saw through you. I saw through you. The other women saw through you. All of America saw through you. You were fooling no one. So take your freakin’ bags that you hounded Paul over and shove it. The fact that Paul was glad to see you gone should say something. Ugh. Get off of my screen. You annoy me.

So of the five remaining women who is a gold digger and who is the real deal? Sarah and Zora seem like the real deal, while I have issues with the two Melissas. Alison is on the bubble. I would love to make her the real deal, but I need to see more of her. If I had to pull for someone it would be Zora and Sarah.

But we shall see…

Joe Millionaire Episode Reviews

Zora's Place