C.J.: Forget Joe, Melissa says, what about the jewels?

Our girl Melissa Mowery was only bleeped once during her cameo on FOX's "Joe Millionaire" finale. The Minnesota bartender, with a vocabulary saltier than the rim of a margarita glass, was obviously brought in for comic relief for the two-hour show that set sweeps records. Mowery, personal fave of butler Paul Hogan, survived the reality show until Evan "Joe" Marriott decided his finalists would be Zora and Sarah. After Sarah got the word that she was outta there, Melissa reappeared to dish Evan with her.

"I thought they brought her back in because people liked to see the two of them gossiping," said bank accountant Kia Stokes, one of the many Twin Citians who got sucked into watching the reality show. "I thought it was an interesting twist to throw her back in versus other [dumpees]," said Stokes. "They were just being real together. I almost think they were pretending more when they were with Joe."

Highly possible given the response from Melissa when Sarah said, "He was like, 'I didn't inherit $50 million.'" Melissa began making these gasping noises, which were not the result of her cigarette smoking. Something Melissa said was bleeped, and then she said to Sarah, "Did you ask him if our necklaces were real?" They just howled. "I don't care if you're [penniless]. Are our jewels real?" More yuks. It was very funny.

Us Weekly's January cover story on "Joe" did not indicate the jewelry -- including a $500 strand of pearls and $2,000-a-piece sapphire pendants -- was fake. Mowery also enjoyed impersonating Marriott's knuckle-dragging style of speech. Just when we thought Sarah could not top the episode when she and Evan sneaked off to the front lawn for an off- camera moaning-in-the-evening session that was MIKED -- you idiots -- she did. With Melissa, Sarah tried to tete-a-tete too softly to be heard. Didn't work.

Just like the make-out session, the producers heard just enough to superimpose dialogue across the screen: "Because of what happened that night . . . Do you think that made me look stupid . . . and that's why he didn't choose me?" Upon further review of the videotape, Sarah's pantomime suggested that more than kissing was going on in the bushes.

At any rate, Sarah was talking to the wrong person about behaving stupidly with Evan. Melissa lounged all over his lap and gave him the chicken parts tour of her body, flashing a little leg, thigh and breast. "This guy, you know, he's just not it," said Melissa in a show interview. "Money or no money. Money doesn't make you suave. Put it that way. Money does not give you charm and class."

And a chick who tokes on a cigarette and blows the smoke out the side of her mouth really knows about class. No matter, bet money that Joe and sweet Zora are already history.


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